Dating unavailable men psychology

"Some guys can be perceived as emotionally unavailable when, really, they're just looking for different things." Then there are the guys who actively take advantage of your emotions and seek out turbulence in a relationship.

But unless a guy is kicking puppies or otherwise exerting overtly asshole-ish behavior when you first lay eyes on him, you can't instantly tell he's an asshole.

When someone comes along who wants to be with you, he or she is too easy-to-get to arouse that "required level of insecurity." If you can't feel those yearning, craving sensations, you think you aren't "in love." So you keep pursuing partners who trigger your insecurity and offer an "emotional challenge" in order to arouse the biochemistry of infatuation. Many people are afraid of commitment -- they fear both abandonment and engulfment.

Engulfment is when someone starts to want you back and the walls close in on you.

Instead, emotional chasing involves a woman investing her time and energy in a man who is only half-interested or capable of a real relationship.

It’s called emotional chasing because she ends up chasing his love and affection, but never fully gets it.

Try the following exercises to help you fix this problem.

I had heard the term once or twice and I thought it was just some bizarre psychological term that seemed too diagnostic and unrealistic. Fast forward to a year later after a horrible, heart-wrenching, not-ever-going-to-recover-from-this-I-want-to-die breakup.You become overwhelmed by their expectations and fear you'll have to abandon yourself completely!So to stay out of either thicket - abandonment or engulfment - you pursue unavailable partners as a way of avoiding the risk being either devastated by abandonment or strangulated by engulfment."The first time I heard it was my sophomore year of college, when I kept falling for guy friends who were more interested in building relationships with their new frat bros than with me," recalls Elizabeth, a 31-year-old editor in New Castle, New York.But isn't falling for people who aren't quite right for you just … "If women are looking for a long-term commitment, they might have to date a lot of guys first before they find one who's in the same place," points out Joanne Davila, Ph D, a professor of clinical psychology at Stony Brook University who studies healthy relationship skills and is coauthor of .

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